Bigfoot, UFO's, Beer, and Jalapeños

Editor’s Note: This is a guest post by Tom Fonner. He has been exploring the backcountry of Arizona for over 30 years. He enjoys the solitude and peace of the outdoors with a passion for wildlife, nature, and landscape photography, tracking, hiking, camping, and fishing. You can visit his blog at swbri.blogspot.com.

My recent experiences with Bigfoot have become an amusing but yet strange form of entertainment. In just a few weeks, I've become preoccupied with the preparation and planning for each trip and all for the wrong reasons. The driving purpose for my efforts has faded from discovery to a blossoming and demented fascination with Bigfoot intoxication. The focus for this trip has centered on having enough beer, burritos, and jalapeños to fuel a truly strange event. I decided to take my dog on this trip to add a twist to the festivities. Hopefully, I will have the same luck as before and these party happy critters will join me once again.

I arrived in the small clearing just before noon to set up camp. The day passed by slowly with growing anticipation of another encounter. I spent the afternoon drinking beer and tossing an old tennis ball for my dog to chase. The dog was easily distracted by ground squirrels but this paled in comparison to watching a Bigfoot drink. The remaining hours of the day, and evening, passed without the company of Bigfoot or ET. I spent most of the next day playing with the dog, gathering firewood, drinking beer, and sleeping. It had become a trip of thinking, waiting, and wondering of what would come next.

Just before dark I saw one of the Bigfoot critters standing at the forest edge but it did not approach. It stayed there briefly then slowly walked back into the woods. Later that evening I saw the same bluish light dart into view just above the tree line. The ship drifted over the clearing then slowly descended to a stop within a foot or so above the ground. Bigfoot an ET were apparently keeping there distance and deciding not to socialize. I continued to pass the time by drinking beer, slicing jalapeños, and throwing beer cans at the dog when it barked at ET's ride. A few minutes later, the dog blew a fuse and began to growl, snarl, and bark at three dark shadows approaching the truck. Once the Bigfoot critters were in view, the growls and barks became whimpers and my dog took refuge under the truck. All three ignored me and headed straight for the ice chests. The dog managed to crawl away from the truck and took up a position, directly behind me, where it felt brave enough to muster up an occasional growl. The three Bigfoot critters continued to rummage through the ice chest, and the back of the truck, while sniffing everything they could find. Opening beer cans had been learned on their previous binge, and it was not much longer until the two skinny little gray guys took up a position at the edge of camp.

Beer drinking without conversation carried the evening, and they didn't seem to mind my dog sneaking up to sniff each one of them. One Bigfoot was sloppy with its beer drinking, and the dog seemed to enjoy lapping up the misplaced refreshment. Another Bigfoot had taken an interest in the jalapeños and while enduring the flaming discomfort, it seemed amused at slamming a beer after each. The smallest of the three Bigfoot critters was sniffing around the truck when it found the 1 million candlepower spotlight. Before I could grab the spotlight, it pressed the on switch while staring directly at it. The Bigfoot dropped the spotlight, groaned, and began to swat at the spots in front of its eyes. The Bigfoot was completely overwhelmed by the effect and staggered into the clearing. The others didn't seem to care much as they continued to drink and eat after finding the sack of burritos when my back was turned. The Bigfoot that had eaten most of the jalapeños stumbled to the edge of camp looking for the closest tree. When it began to pee it screamed and groaned horribly, grabbing itself with both hands, while running into the woods. I could only imagine what would be next.

There must have been some kind of communication between the little gray guys and the last remaining Bigfoot. It picked up an ice chest half full of beer and took it to their ship. While watching the ice chest disappear, I hadn't noticed that my dog walked up to one of the skinny gray dudes and began to pee on its leg. The little gray guy kicked at the dog as it shook its leg and then hurried its way back to the spacecraft. Before it got there, the Bigfoot carrying the beer had found the controls inside the craft and pushed the wrong buttons. Both of the little gray guys were upset and in a panic. The ship began to tilt and move towards the tree line bouncing like a rock across water. It came to an abrupt stop as it plunged into the pines. The Bigfoot tumbled out of the ship as the little skinny gray guys climbed in and closed the opening.

It became strangely quiet after the spacecraft opening closed. The Bigfoot that fell out of the spaceship staggered slowly back into camp followed by my Jalapeño eating friend. The other Bigfoot was still navigating the clearing while swatting at lights in front of its eyes. Later that night, ET was relearning how to drive after another cheap, drunken adventure on earth. The ship kept pounding into the stands of pines getting absolutely nowhere. After several minutes, it found its way to the other side of the clearing and skidded to a stop. While I was being entertained by ET's driving experience, my jalapeño eating friend found comfort sucking on a tube of tooth paste, wearing my cowboy hat, and farting a gas symphony reminiscent of rolling thunder. This had to be the strangest thing I had ever seen. The other Bigfoot was content on drinking more beer, unraveling my last roll of toilet paper, and exchanging growls with the dog. The exchange with the dog was more like a conversation between new found friends. The relentless farts, toilet paper entanglement, and the sounds of these drunken beasts continued until daylight. As the sun began to rise, ET figured out how to fly again, and the three Bigfoot critters managed their way into the woods in stages of stumbles, falls, and a chorus moans and groans. I could only imagine what would take place the next time I set up camp in this pine valley clearing.