Captain Jack Saves Sara Underwood [Fiction]

This story was submitted to us by someone who wishes to remain anonymous. It's a continuation of a previous story titled, "The Adventures of Jack Bindernagel", "The Further Adventures of Captain Jack Bindernagel", and "Captain Jack vs. The Chupacabra". It's based on events that are not factual, but rather, imaginary. In other words: It's just a story!

The lovely and talented Sara Jean Underwood had not returned from her camping trip. Her friends and family were beyond worried, as was everyone else. Sara Underwood is a national treasure who brings happiness to everyone who sets eyes on her. She had been camping near her home town in Oregon, where there had recently been a rash of Bigfoot sightings.

Everyone had taken part in the search as everyone loves Sara Underwood. After a day of scouring the woods the local police chief finally said “We can’t do this alone, there is only one man we can turn to. We need to call the Captain”. Unfortunately few people have access to Captain Jack Bindernagel, luckily for everyone one of them was already involved.

Captain Jack Bindernagel sat in his study sipping a glass of Bourbon. He was soon startled by the sound of his ringing phone. He picked up the phone and said “Jack here, this had better be good”. It was Hugh Hefner on the other end. The Captain had not spoken to him since the two almost came to blows years before over who had been with more women. Captain Jack was also not happy that he was never given credit for introducing Heffner to the smoking jacket. “What do you want Heffner, you know what I think of you”. Heffner replied “we need to put our differences aside the world’s most beautiful and prefect woman is missing and likely at the hands of your arch nemesis the Sasquatch”. Captain Jack listened and had to hold back his rage, Sara Jean Underwood in the midst of the Sasquatch, not while there was still a breath in his body. Captain Jack finally stated “I will be there by morning, and if that blasted Sasquatch harms one of the golden blonde hairs on her head, I will take care of him personally”.

Sara Underwood sat huddled in a cave surrounded by Sasquatch. She had been hiking and stumbled upon one, and being frightened she ran and took shelter in a cave. She hoped she was safe but they soon followed. Not much had happened since then as they just sat around staring at her with their mouths open, occasionally wiping the drool from their chins. She thought to herself, “this really is not much different then everyplace else I go”.

Captain Jack’s helicopter landed in down town. A crowd had gathered and they were holding signs welcoming the man many considered their hero. He waived and then stopped and said “I guarantee you all that I will rescue the lovely and talented Sara Jean Underwood”. The crowd cheered as Captain Jack ordered James Fay to unload their gear. The local police chief walked up to him and before he could say anything Captain Jack said “this is my show now and if you don’t like that you can take it up with the back of my hand”. The Chief said nothing as Captain Jack said “thought so”.

Captain Jack and James Fay entered the woods, Captain Jack having his pistol in hand, while Fay held his trusted rifle. “Blasted sasquatch” he said “they can steal bacon but I will be damned if they will steal the most beautiful woman on the planet”.

James Fay, then said “where do we begin”. Captain Jack replied “idiot, where we always do, at her camp”. Soon they arrived where she had been camping. James Fay said what is that smell”? Captain Jack replied “flowers and honey, that is the scent of Sara Underwood”. Captain Jack studied the area around the camp, and saw footprints. Only a tracker of his caliber would be able to pick up Sara Underwood’s light and dainty footprints. My god he marveled “even her footprints are cute”. He followed them and envisioned her whistling as the birds and other animals watched as she walked along, and then all of a sudden her being frightened by his arch nemesis, the Sasquatch. His blood began to boil and he took out his flask and took a hearty sip of Bourbon.

As they followed the tracks James Fay said “can you tell me the story about Fox again”? Captain Jack just stared at him then calmly said, “my gun holds 6 rounds”. James Fay got the point and remained quiet. Captain Jack took a hearty swig of bourbon from his flask and it rejuvenated him after a long day of hiking. “What would life be without Bourbon”?, he thought.

Soon he noticed the footprints changed as if she had started running. He also noticed Sasquatch tracks and drew his sidearm. “Stick close Fay” he said, “the Beast is in our midst”.

Captain Jack then slowly approached what looked like a cave. He looked inside and saw a group of Sasquatches just staring at Sara Underwood. He said “Fay they are just staring at her, like any normal male would do”. Fay was in a trance as he was staring at her too. Captain Jack barked “snap out of it Fay, we know you are far from a ladies man, but we have work to do”. “Start frying bacon to draw them out”. James Fay then started a small fire and began to cook the bacon. Captain Jack marveled “they are not moving, they can’t stop staring at Sara Underwood”.

“Smelly Bastards” he said “I will not let that national treasure be subjected to one more minute of being gawked at by hairy Sasquatches”. James Fay replied “Captain Jack, what are you doing”. “What needs to be done”, he shouted as he ran towards the cave. He holstered his pistol, as he could not risk firing so close to Sara Underwood. Instead he took out his Bowie knife and yelled “smelly bastards, the Captain is making a house call”. The Sasquatch snapped out of their trances and stared down Captain Jack. “All right, who is first” he yelled. The Sasquatch began to move towards him and surround him. “Fay” he cried, “Bring the rifle, this time they don’t get away”. Before he could say another word a rock flew by hitting a Sasquatch square in the head, then another and another, and soon the Sasquatches were ducking for cover. Out of the bush came a group of female Sasquatches. Soon they walked past Captain Jack and proceeded to start beating the males. Soon the males began to run with the females chasing them.

Captain Jack, then looked at the cave “Sara Jean, are you ok”. The lovely and talented Sara Jean Underwood replied “yes, I am just tired”. Captain Jack then said “did those bastards harm you”. No she said “all they did was sit and stare at me, it was kind of like every place I go” then she opened her hand and said “they also kept bringing me gold nuggets, look how many they gave me”.

Captain Jack took out his flask and took a hearty swig of bourbon. He then began thinking “So they sat and stared at Sara Jean Underwood, until the females made them stop and they gave her gold. Maybe the beasts are not so different from us after all, as this is what any red blooded male would do”.

Sara then said “Captain Jack it has been a rough few days, do you mind if I have a drink”. Captain Jack was in shock, finally he said “you may be the most beautiful woman in the world, you may even be perfect, but Captain Jack Bindernagel does not share his bourbon with anyone”.


  1. Replies
    1. Folks, we have officially jumped the shark. The said shark was close to being jumped during the following intellectual posts:

      Manatee rider
      Phallic eel
      Hula Hoop Hooker
      Backflippin' 561

      So let it be written, so let it be done. R.I.P. Bigfoot Evidence, I miss your early days, real stories, real comments, real intelligent conversation. Now merely a click based cash cow for our buddy Shawn. Keep clicking you guys!

      Still love ya Shawn, you damn maniac.

    2. Bigfoot is and has always been 100% BullshitSaturday, April 27, 2013 at 6:48:00 AM PDT

      Bigfoot was finally cracked open and destroyed by Smeja and amount of thermal movies or blurry I-phone pics can save this mythical beast now.

    3. ^^^^^ why don't you two homo's get a room

    4. Did read the story....but that chick Hot!!

    5. These stories are the best! Always funny.

  2. FACT: squatches are REAL. FACT: They travel time. FACT: I have a yeti eye in my safe that not even my boy Donny has seen yet. DM me if you got the cash or if youre a freakishly hot chick

    1. They do not time travel. They are relic Neanderthal.

      John Titor

      Time Traverler from the year 2036

  3. About damn time! I hope we can get more than one Captain Jack story this year.

  4. I was attacked by a Reptilian!

    I awoke one night in a state of which I can only explain as a spasm, my body was in a rigid state. I could not move a muscle and felt like something was on top of me.

    I fought to get movement back in my body. I could not turn my head or move at all. It was like I was having a fight to get control of my body.

    After a few panic stricken moments, I could just barely move my fingers, only a little bit. I then felt that there was more than just a spasm. I felt dirty and touched. It was a horrible feeling from deep inside me.

    I could barely move my toes, again very slightly. My throat felt like it was being held. I could feel something was on top of me. My hands where by my side, but it felt like they were around my own throat, holding tightly. I was using all my might to break free from this spasmodic state.

    Then could feel something breathing into my left ear, a sound of a growl-like noise right next to my ear. I struggled to move my head to the left, like breaking free from a strangle hold.

    I could barely see the outline of a head, a big long head next to my own face. As the spasm-like feeling started to wear off, a tiny bit at a time, I could work out that this thing on top of me looked like a lizard/newt thing. It was like a blending together of all that was around it, or maybe invisible. I'm not very sure which, but I could see it clearly as the seconds passed on.

    It was reptilian. I growled at it, or I think I did. My mind and my body gave all it could to do so. I bared my teeth at it and I could feel it could read my mind. I was swearing at it and shouting all sorts of obscenities at it. I felt violated and used.

    The next thing, it was quickly off of me and was standing to one side of the bottom of my bunk bed. A light came through the thin gap in the curtains. There were different shades of a golden light which also had very small particles inside it, like dust or small stars which moved around like little bright lights.

    This reptilian creature was about 6 feet tall. I could sense it was either proud or happy with itself, maybe both. I tried to sit up as best I could and through my mind I swore at it again.

    The creature walked forward and stepped into the light beam. As it did, the feet and legs vanished into the light. The more the creature moved forward towards the window, the more of it vanished.

    After it was gone I felt relaxed, but I could still feel where I was held around my throat. I felt I was raped by this horrendous monster.

    I awoke to a bright sunny day. I could hear my mother downstairs, washing up and doing housework. I laid in my bed and didn't move a muscle. I ran the incident through my mind again and, yes, I could still feel where I was held around my throat.

    I know this happened. My mind, heart and soul knows that this happened. For the life of me, I could not run downstairs to explain to my mother about this. Who would have believed it? How would my parents have handled such a thing? I did not know what to do?

    Since that night, my stepfather passed away. I asked my mother if she believed in aliens or ufo's. She replied that my stepfather said once that he saw a ufo near Brighton while at sea in the 1960's and he swore that it was a ufo, but only told my mother this.

    I never told my mother about my experience, as I thought it would be to harrowing for her to hear.

    What do I do about my experience? I would love to do something about it. It may help somebody, as I am being very honest. Things like this should be disclosed. An answer has to be found on why this is happening.

  5. I do not understand why some ex-girlfriends (T) feel threatened by the lovely and talented Sara Jean Underwood.

  6. She used to be one of the hottest chicks in America. Unfortunately she was ruined by fake tits. Her butcher needs to be arrested.

    1. She still is. There is not one woman who is flawless.


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